White Mom is a syndrome.

White Mom is impossibly quiet.

White Mom does yoga and knows how to be grateful.

White Mom is stressed out.

White mom is pissed off.

White Mom is raising white boys and girls, who will one day become White Man. White Mom might be white, but she also might be Asian, Black, Native American, Latina, or even a Dad. She might or might not have kids. White Mom is who some of us strive to be, and also who we ridicule and blame as a society. White Mom serves White Man by being perfect according to His ever-changing whims. She serves White Man by mothering perfect kids and helping create the environment that stimulates White Kids and White Man. She never asks for Credit, even though sometimes she is awarded with it. She thrives on Blame, because it makes her work even harder. White Mom is holding up America. She shops at Walgreens and Target and has her own special parking spot at the Supermarket.

Now that I’ve made my introduction, allow me to talk about some of the issues in the daily working life of White Mom. Since it’s on my mind, and the fields are finally dry, I’ll broach a topic White Moms are facing everywhere, Soccer, and an issue that arose for me recently. I hope I that made the right choice, but as a White Mom I will never know…

My older son plays club soccer in Charlotte, and recently switched teams to enable his Divorced White Mom to get him to practices more easily. (There’s a limit to our martyrdom.) Anyway, I requested that he play on the same team as our neighbor, both because he has had that coach before and because it will make it even easier to carpool, both for me and White Mom neighbor. Well, that was a no-go. For whatever reason they couldn’t honor that request and he was placed on a team that had extra spaces, which is of course a red flag for any White Mom. For if a team has extra spaces, it must be because other White Moms have fled the coach, or it is a New Coach, or it has Bad Parents. Be that as it may, it is our only option, so I consoled myself that if in fact my son has ended up on a Bad Team, at least he will get more playing time because they have so few players and are so Bad.

Well, it is a few weeks into practice, and I haven’t heard any complaints from White Son Who Doesn’t Hesitate to Complain. So I am hopeful about this new team. Until I got an email the other day from the Head of the soccer club, introducing all of the coaches. Each coach has a little bio and answers questions about their soccer career and highlights. My son’s coach has NEVER PLAYED SOCCER. He blames it on being old and not having soccer when he grew up, but we all know that is a lie. No one is that old. So I briefly scan the other bios, noting that EVERY other coach has an illustrious soccer career behind them, some of them very recently behind them, as they are still in COLLEGE. So “we” got the old coach who knows nothing about soccer.

Now, as White Mom I have a responsibility to get my son on the best team with the best coach, or, at the very least, on an average one. I can’t allow my son to be on the Worst Team with the Worst Coach. That would be like letting my child have a Bad Teacher. It just isn’t done. It would be a failure, albeit a tiny one, in my career as White Mom.

Have I complained to the Head Coach? No, that would be premature. White Son is still Not Complaining and they haven’t even played their first game. Also, I saw that Will Ferrell movie Kicking and Screaming and it proved that you can be a winning coach even if you can’t play the game yourself. (I might have missed the main message of the film but I’m pretty sure that one was in there.)

No, I think the best thing to do for now is Wait and See. Old Coach could end up being Mr. Miyagi and forging a special bond with my White Kid, eventually resulting in him winning the World Cup. Old Coach could be jovial but ineffective, resulting in my kid having a wonderful experience and loving soccer but not really improving all season. Old coach could be an incompetent jerk who picks on my kid and leads our losing team to injury and ignominy. But it is Too Soon To Tell.

So White Mom will breathe, and appreciate the informative email from the Head Coach, walk the dog and get ready for spin class.